What is a true middle school?

Let me see if I have this right...

(posted 11/2/99 on an Atlanta teacher listserv)

Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning.

Not only that, but I'm to - instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and observe them for signs of abuse, drugs, and T-shirt messages.

I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns, and raise their self-esteem.

I'm to teach them - patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally.

I am to - check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh yeah, - teach, always making sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.

In order to qualify for a substantial raise, I'm required by my contract to be working, on my own time, summer, and evenings, and at my own expense, towards additional certification, advance certification and a master's degree. I may have to sponsor the cheerleaders or the junior class, and after school I am required to attend PFP committee and faculty meetings, and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status.

I am to collect data and maintain all records to support and document our building's progress in the selected state mandated program, and to "assess and upgrade educational excellence in the public schools."

I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to - pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and my current administration.

I am to incorporate technology into the learning, but monitor all web sites for appropriateness, all the while providing a personal one-on-one relationship with each student. I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school, or who is possibly being abused, not forgetting that I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions to those in authority.

I am to make sure ALL students pass the county tests, state and federally mandated tests, all their classes, check whether or not they attend school on a regular basis and make sure they complete any of the work assigned that they missed while they were AWOL or in ISS. I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter, and grade reports.

I'm to do all of this with a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a 45 minute or less planning period, and a big smile on my face, doing all on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states.

Is that all?