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MIDDLE SCHOOLS are often criticized as an academic empty space between
the feel-good fundamentals of elementary school and the real-life, real
problems of high school.
Middle-school kids are straddling childhood and the teen years, and they
look as awkward as they feel. They are so intensely social at this age that
it is hard to get them to shut up long enough to learn anything. And their
moods and energy levels, pushed and pulled by the riptides in their changing
bodies, make them unpredictable and difficult to love.
It is a wonder that the selfless teachers and the weary parents survive
the three lost years of middle school.
All they need to do is listen to me.
I have designed what I think is an ideal set of middle-school guidelines.
You will notice that these guidelines are lacking in academic substance.
Of course they are. It is pointless to try to teach middle-schoolers anything
that does not bear on personal appearance, gossip or the opposite sex. What
is the point of learning the sequence of operations if all the girls are
wearing shorts today and you are not?
You may also notice that my middle-school rules are vaguely familiar. You
may have heard them in your own home. Coming out of your own mouth.
Well, here they are. Post them on the fridge, where only you will read them.
Your hair is perfect. Eat. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
How can you think on an empty stomach?
You are late! Get going! Haven't you noticed that when you are late, you
are late for the same class every day? Don't you think that will handicap
your success in that class?
Eat your lunch. Girls, the No-Lunch Lunch Club has been disbanded. Dieting
is like smoking. Some kids can do it once and walk away. But you never know
if you are the one who will get hooked after just one.
Eat your lunch. And just your lunch. Boys, that dog-begging-at-the-table
act is repulsive. The girls feed you their lunches because they don't know
what else to do with you, not because they find your behavior attractive.
Nobody is going out with anybody. Where would you go, anyway? Clubbing?
Dinner? Movies? I don't think so. You are all just friends, get it? And
nobody owns anybody else.
No phone, no TV, no video games and no Internet after 6 p.m. And no debate.
If you don't have homework, as you continue to claim, read or sleep. Either
one is better for you than the phone, the TV or the computer.
Get organized. Your backpack looks as if it is vomiting paper. Keep it neat
by yourself or we will do it together, and I know how you will feel about
that.
No boy-girl parties. The boys arrive acting shy, but they will eventually
act like wild animals. At least one girl will cry, and four more will have
their feelings hurt. The post-party spin will last a month, and in that
time, no one will hear anything else, like class assignments or what your
parents are saying for the millionth time.
Play a sport, any sport. I'll drive, I'll write the checks. But you are
not spending your afternoons going through my pantry like a raccoon and
watching Ricki Lake.
Get to bed. I don't care what lotions you need to apply. The bathroom is
not part of your private suite of rooms.
Go to sleep! I don't care what your body clock tells you. You may not be
tired, but I am.
Good night. I love you....
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