ELLEN
BERG
Diary #29
Struggling
to Survive in
a Toxic School Environment
I have noticed something that concerns, even frightens me. I am afraid to even type the words on this page, for fear of making permanent what might only be temporary.
If anyone had ever suggested I would ever feel this way even a year ago, I would have laughed in his or her face. However, I cannot solve my problem if I hide from it; it will only keep nagging at me each Sunday evening and school break.
I am afraid I am on the brink of burnout. A profession I have had a passion for since I was five years old is wearing me down. For the first time since I began teaching, I actually dreaded returning to work after the break. Each Sunday night, as the hands on the dial move ever faster towards bedtime, I feel my mood sink lower and lower. It isn't that I do not like my kids or even my profession; at least I am pretty sure that is not the case. Rather, I believe my burnout is more situational. I feel buried under school and systemic oppression and lack of common sense.Guilty feelings
I wrote earlier this year I was considering leaving Turner for a different school, maybe even a different district. After a prodigious amount of consideration, I finally decided to stay the course at least one more year.
Part of my decision rested on practicality: my husband and I are planning on starting a family this year, and moving to a new district only to go on maternity leave seemed to be a bad career move. Another part of my decision was based on loyalty. I love my kids and the neighborhood I have served for the past six years, and I do not know how easily I can turn my back on a community that embraced me so readily. I still see kids I taught early in my career as I drive through the neighborhood, and I usually get a grin and a wave from them.
The final part of my decision, however, is based on guilt. Guilt that if I leave, kids who need someone who cares about their progress might be subjected to a teacher who does not have their best interests at heart. Guilt that I would be jumping ship like so many others before me, knowing the challenges my district faces. Guilt from well-meaning friends and colleagues who pointed these very things out to me. A part of me wonders if, just because I am a teacher, just because I give a rat's patootie what happens to my children, if I am supposed to be held to a higher standard than my peers and the workforce at large. Am I supposed to sacrifice my own happiness, the opportunity for a more supportive work environment, simply because I care? That seems incredibly unfair, but those who try to persuade me to stay in an urban district seem to imply those very things. Because I am aware and able, I should sacrifice for the greater good.The problem is, I have been sacrificing and putting my heart, soul, sweat, and tears into my job for so long that I feel like I have nothing left, no way to dig deeper. If my school or district were doing their jobs to fill me back up again, we might not be having this conversation, but they seem to want to empty me, drain me of every ounce of compassion and effort I have, only to demand even more -- or else.
On the brink
Three major events have pushed me to the brink. They are representative of the general mindset and structure of my school and district and are the poisons I am fighting, mostly unsuccessfully.The first toxin is something I like to call LMB, otherwise known as Last Minute, uh, well, lets just call it baloney. Last Minute Baloney. I am someone who desperately needs regularity and structure in order to function. I like to know the rules and expectations so I know what to do, how to do it, and how I can make them work in my favor.
In fact, this weekend I told my husband we needed to make a schedule of house tasks so I had something to follow, otherwise I just feel overwhelmed and do nothing until I am shoveling my way through my office or doing last-minute laundry because I have nothing else to wear but my wedding dress. You get the idea.
In any case, I feel a constant panic because the rules at my school seem to change daily, with measures put into place at the last minute to address long- standing problems that have come to a head. There is no study, no discussion, no planning, only a "Do this or else," five minutes before we are supposed to implement some important program or procedure. And when we ask questions to clarify the procedure, we are met with ridicule or sarcasm.
Add to all of this that we are handed mandate after mandate about what to do in our classrooms to raise test scores. Just do it. Don't talk about it, collaborate to figure out how to implement it, or, better yet, search for appropriate strategies that address high-need areas. Just do it.
I have in my mailbox six writing contests we are expected to enter, never mind that the curriculum I am covering has nothing to do with the topics or the format of the essays. No one's listening.
We do not have conversations, we are talked at. Our principal and district tell us what to do, and we are expected to do it. We are completely excluded from the decision-making process. I feel as if the district and my principal are certain they are the only ones who know anything, and they have to tell us what to do. The mandates are piling up, and I cannot realistically comply with each one. I cannot even keep track of them from day to day.
Targeted?
The second event that pushed me to the edge was the attempt by my principal to give me a job target, a formal write-up that would be included in my personnel file. What for? Attendance. We have ten sick days allotted to us each year, but if we use six or more, we can receive a "Needs Improvement" or "Unsatisfactory" on our evaluations. That is reasonable. However, it is up to the principal's discretion whether she writes a job target or not.
Usually job targets are only written after a pattern of abuse or poor performance in any given area; I have never had poor attendance and am one of the strongest teachers in my school. Yet, she attempted to give me a job target for attendance though I had legitimate reasons to be out.
Strep throat and a sinus infection were both ordered absences from my physician. Another day was attributed to a flat tire and two broken tire bolts, and was to have been classified as a personal day and does not count against attendance. As I sat down with her and reviewed my attendance records, we discovered several errors, which eventually led her to conclude I did not meet the criteria for a "Needs Improvement" in my attendance. No job target. I asked myself what kind of message she was sending when she would try to put a black mark on my professional record while ignoring blatant abuses by other teachers. She tells me often what a good teacher I am, so why would she try to be punitive? Follow that up with the fact that two other teachers who have used all of their allotted days and then some have not received job targets, and you can begin to understand my frustration.I found it interesting that the week after we had our conference she contracted the flu and was out for a full five days. Karma is an interesting concept....
Contract hostages
The final event that has made me more than a little nutty is the district's announcement that if we do not resign by April 15, they can hold our teaching certificate for a year if we resign later. Contracts will not be sent out until May, so I do not understand how we can be held captive in the district if we have not signed a contract. It seems the district is taking more punitive and heavy-handed measures to keep teachers in the system instead of working to make the district the type of place we do not want to leave. Maybe the easier route is all they are looking for; however, they will never solve the problems they have if they never look beyond the use of force. I am tired. It is 12:30 AM, I have been crying all night, and I am tired. My husband tells me he supports whatever decision I make, but I have to be sure I have done everything in my power to change the situation at my building or I will regret it. He knows me well.Tomorrow I will go in all shadow-eyed and work with my kids. We are going to have a class discussion about Just Ella on paper with a gallery walk. I am hoping this will spur some of my shyer students to share their thoughts with us.
I am also going to make an appointment with my principal to share my concerns about the direction in which we are headed and what I would like to see happen. I am going to tell her I am unhappy and what I need. Hopefully she will be open to our conversation. Either way, I will have a better idea of where I am headed in the not so distant future.
