JOANNE
PAYLING
Diary #10
The Lurking Mr. Hyde
Good-bye, Dr. Jekyll, Hello, Mr. Hyde. My classroom personality is shifting, and, like Dr. Jekyll at the end of the book, the shift is more frequent and seemingly less under my control. Instead of swallowing a potion, though, I need only be faced by certain student behaviors.
Perhaps I should back up and explain the origin of my two personalities. Unlike Mr. Hyde, my alter ego is not necessarily evil, but rather one of a ramrod back and a no-nonsense attitude. I had the double blessing/curse of being raised in a military family by strict Roman Catholic parents. Respect for and obedience to authority was paramount in every aspect of our lives. Both my father and mother served in WWII where they knew better than to question orders. Lives were at stake. They saluted and did their duty without whining or second-guessing their commanding officer. We children were raised in that atmosphere of unquestioning obedience. Add to that upbringing the Catholic mindset of the 1950's and you raise a child who knows what authority is and quakes before it. If it wasn't the Base Commander aware of our every move, then for sure it was God. I never was certain which of the two wielded more power!The result of that upbringing is a woman in her 40's who understands and respects authority and who expects others to, also. Add to the above mix, however, a family life filled with love and laughter, a pampering as the baby of the family, and an inborn gregarious nature of joy and silliness and you come close to a split personality. It has not hampered me until now.
"I stare the offending student down"
In the classroom
I have made it a point to share my joyous side with my students. We laugh,
we work, we talk, and, I trust, we learn. This approach works with the
majority of my students. How sad, then, that it is the few who call forth
the other half of me.
When I am
faced with students who are not respectful to one another or to myself,
without even thinking (aye, there's the rub), I respond with my authoritative
personality. My back straightens and stiffens, and I stare the offending
student down. My voice becomes harsh and demanding. I expect them to jump
and respond as I did as a child, almost saluting me in their fear and
the acknowledgement of their transgression.
Naturally, today's children don't respond this way. They look at me like I am nuts. And, in truth, I am. After such scenarios, I shake my head at myself, realizing how ineffective and self-defeating that approach is, especially with today's children.
I fully recognize that humor, handled expertly, is the best approach, but there is something in me that balks at taking disrespect lightly. I don't know how to use humor in a situation where a student is challenging me. One young lady has made it clear to me that she is far too superior for my lame teaching abilities. One young man pointblank refuses to sit down and work on his project. Another talks (off-task, of course) constantly, at every possible moment, savoring being the center of attention. More cheating has been discovered. These behaviors are killing off the silly, joyful teacher in me. I am deciding that there is no room for that personality. There also is no room for the ramrod-backed identity. It's time to find a middle course, a skillful blending of animation and discipline. My future as a classroom teacher depends on my finding that middle ground, for my sake and the sake of my students.
