JOANNE
PAYLING
Diary #24
Out
of the Angst-Filled Chaos,
Some New Understandings Emerge
What a rollercoaster, angst-filled month this has been! Should I quit? Will I be fired? How can I go on? Do I even want to be rehired for the fall? Do I want to be a teacher at all? Between student behavior problems in 8th period, a defensive concern from administration, and several teachers rallying 'round with encouragement, I am exhausted.
Out of all that, though, I am coming to new understandings of a school's culture, what my expectations of an educational environment are, and what my preferences for teaching are.
At my school, and perhaps at all schools, the new teacher must "insert" herself into the group. It takes an outgoing personality who can shrug off the occasional snubs, but it must be done, if one has any hope of feeling part of the teaching community.
My expectations of open arms and forthright assistance were a bit high. In all fairness, I would say that the majority of the faculty and staff at my school are friendly and helpful. However, new teachers have to ask for help. The problem with that is, at times, we don't even know what we don't know or need to know.
The curriculum vice principal placed a district writing proficiency binder on my desk one day in January. I didn't even know one existed, so did not know to ask for it. When I noticed it the next day, I was thrilled and began planning my lessons based on the rubric and examples in it. What I found out last week is that it is not the current binder or the correct rubric we will be using for the March writing proficiency requirement.
My basic lessons are still appropriate, but I wasted time and copy budget money copying the wrong examples and rubric/self check sheets for my students. No doubt, these kinds of frustrations are the norm for new teachers. But I am learning to find out what's available, never make assumptions, and to double check everything.
The teaching load is brutal
Another important reality I have recognized is that teaching five 47-minute periods of Language Arts to an average of 32 students per class is brutal. It is brutal to the teacher, and it is unfair to the students. The paper/grading load is massive, and getting to know more than a minority of students beyond a cursory level is impossible.
I will not do this again next year. Instead, I will apply for middle school core classes where I will teach either two groups of students for three periods of history/language arts, or three groups of students in language arts for two periods each. That places the number of students to teach at an average of 60-90, instead of my current load of 160 L.A. students and 34 6th grade students in Quest, a 6-week, rotating, elective class.
In a way, I regret I won't be teaching 8th grade language arts next year because I know the material and have so many great ideas for improving my lessons. I have learned a great deal this year and already feel so much better prepared for next year. However, I will not be at the mercy of the state content standards and what our students have to master unless or until class size is reduced, or teachers are given more time to teach the material. All things considered, this has been a huge year of growth, albeit with great frustration, for me. I still feel pretty certain that teaching is what I want to be doing. Now I just need to fine-tune my expectations and discover where I best fit in so I can retain the joy I need to remain in this profession.
