JOANNE
PAYLING
Diary #32
I
Walked Away
"Teaching
is the only profession where novices are expected to perform, often
in isolation, with the same expertise as 25-year veterans, unlike
other professions where enculturation and collegiality are a part
of the job."
A
Bill of Rights for Beginning Secondary Teachers
This last diary entry is very difficult to write. How do I write reflectively and not self-pityingly or angrily or full of recriminations? How do I express my love and concern for the students I left behind? Of course I am learning from this experience. Good can come out of it. Yet the fact remains I quit. I didn't have the courage to teach, nor the courage to see the year out.
I walked away from Pleasanton Middle School on Tuesday morning, April 23. I was hurt, angry, and in tears. I had quietly cried in front of my students twice before, and I refused to do it again.
The stress
of teaching, the stress of poor evaluations, the stress of my divorce,
the lack of administrative support, the knowledge that I wouldn't be rehired
even if my position wasn't lost due to shrinking enrollments, all came
together in one last email from the principal. We had been butting heads
about my last evaluation, and I ended my email with the words, "38 days
to go." He replied, "I look forward to you completing the school year
successfully."
Considering that all his evaluations of me since he read my diary entry 22, focused on my failings as a teacher, I found his choice of "successfully" to be less than honest. As far as he was concerned, I had not been successful.
He had made
it clear through his evaluations and our meetings that I needed a great
deal of improvement, and that it was his job to recommend only the best
teachers for contract renewal. He never mentioned the fact that I was
a loose cannon on his tidy ship, though. When he read the following in
diary 22...
"The
culture of my school, like many schools in the United States, is one
of autonomy. If collegiality exists, then it is within the cliques,
and therefore a closed collegiality. If collaboration or cross-curricular
teaching exists, no one has told me about it."
...he responded by saying it was my job to fit into the "culture" of the
school, to find collaboration opportunities, to ask for help. His lack
of understanding of new teachers and their needs was monumental.
It was easier
for him to focus on my weaknesses as a new teacher, and to document them
in such a way that not renewing my contract was a fait accompli.
Ironically, he was able to write a positive recommendation of me
for employment in other districts. While I appreciated the letter, I interpreted
it as, "Don't go away mad, just go away." When I quit that Tuesday morning,
I threw away his letter of recommendation. It was meaningless.
In anger and tears
When I read
my principal's words about looking forward to me finishing the year successfully,
my anger overflowed. Unfortunately, my anger is usually manifested through
tears. So, in anger and in tears, I walked away.
I knew what
I was doing, though. Any chance of a future career as a teacher would
first require a detailed explanation of why I quit and an understanding
principal willing to take a chance on me. I was breaking my contract.
The school district could pull my California teaching certificate. (Why
they chose not to is a subject for speculation.) However, when I walked
out that door, I knew there would be consequences. I was (and am) willing
to accept them.
Sadly, I
was too upset to consider my students. And herein are my recriminations.
I know children are resilient, but they didn't deserve to lose a teacher
like that at the end of the school year. They also didn't deserve a teacher
who couldn't keep her emotions in check and someone who had lost all her
joy.
I ran into one of my ex-students in the bagel shop this past Sunday morning. It was so good to see him; I grinned and he smiled and we had a short chat. He said he was doing fine, but the new teacher was "weird." I reminded him I was weird, too, and when his mom joined us, she said, "Yes, but they were used to you." I apologized to them both for quitting. Then tears filled my eyes and I had to leave.
If I teach again
The principal's words keep echoing in my mind: I should have joined BTSA, the district's new teacher support group. The biggest mistake I see with Pleasanton's program is that it didn't start until six weeks after school began. New teachers need support before students ever enter the classroom. I probably would have met someone who could have helped me get through the last seven weeks. So, while I can be angry with the principal, I also can agree with the importance he placed on joining BTSA.Sadly, he could never understand my reasons for feeling overwhelmed and too tired to participate in a program that started six weeks too late and that met on nights and weekends. In this district, BTSA is voluntary and on the new teacher's own time. If I had been a young graduate, without family obligations or a life separate from work, I wouldn't have balked.
If I hadn't been responsible for teaching language arts and study skills to 190 students every day, five days a week, I might have had some energy left over at the end of a day. But juggling unit and lesson preparation, grading, completing two graduate courses to receive necessary CLAD certification for re-employment, reading professional literature, child-rearing, divorce, and house hunting/moving did not leave many nights and weekends free.
If I teach again, will I make the time to join a new teacher support program? Absolutely. However, I will only accept a job in a school district that has a strong new teacher support program that begins before the school year. Will I attend evening and weekend meetings? Yes, but only if the district considers new teacher support important enough to also have substitute coverage for some weekday meetings. If I teach again, I won't accept a position where I am responsible for 190 students. It was impossible for me to get to know all my students well enough to feel like I was making a difference in all but a few lives. In order to teach personally and effectively, I want to connect with all my students, not just the vocal or problem ones. If I teach again . . . if I teach again . . .
