Why It’s Hard to Teach & Parent Middle Graders
Why does parenting and teaching middle graders feel so hard right now? How can we show up for them and for ourselves? Insights from a middle level school leader.
By Jody Passanisi
Parenting and teaching middle graders has always been a challenge. These are the years of rapid growth, heightened emotions, and the added complexity of social navigation. But now, more than ever, it feels like the weight of responsibility on adults is heavier.
Between societal pressures, changing cultural norms, and the endless stream of parenting and teaching advice online, we’re left exhausted, overwhelmed, and often unsure if we’re doing enough – or too much.
The truth is parenting and teaching in today’s world is uniquely difficult. We live in a time where expectations of perfection are unrelenting, not just for kids but for the adults guiding them. Middle graders, messy and imperfect as they are, need to see that we, too, are works in progress.
Here’s why it feels so hard, why giving ourselves grace matters, and how parents and teachers can build trust with each other – and with the middle graders in our care.
Why It Feels Harder Than Ever
On paper, life today should be easier. Technology has given us conveniences unimaginable to earlier generations: shared calendars, group texts, online resources, and even podcasts on how to parent effectively. Yet these very tools have contributed to the mounting pressure. The challenges can be summarized in four key areas:
► A Firehose of Advice.
Parenting advice is everywhere, and it’s often contradictory. One source might champion strict schedules while another encourages flexibility. The sheer volume of information leaves us second-guessing ourselves constantly.
► All Prevention, All the Time.
There’s an overwhelming belief that every mishap is preventable if we just work harder or do more. This mindset leads to a constant state of hyper-vigilance and a paralyzing fear of failure.
► The Total Success Principle.
The expectation that we provide every possible opportunity for our kids – academically, socially, and emotionally – is exhausting. It often leaves us feeling like we’re not doing enough, no matter how much we do.
► Tummy Time for All Ages.
From infancy through adolescence, there’s pressure to be constantly engaged with our kids, whether to build their brains or keep them away from screens. For parents and teachers alike, the demand for constant connection is draining.
These pressures are compounded by societal structures that make it hard to manage the demands of modern life. Most parents and teachers are juggling multiple roles and responsibilities while also trying to meet these unattainable standards.
Showing Up as the Grown-Ups Our Kids Need
Middle graders are navigating a turbulent time. They’re balancing newfound independence with the ongoing need for guidance. They’re messy and inconsistent, and – more than anything – they’re still kids. They need grown-ups who are present, steady, and willing to show them that imperfection is okay.
I keep a picture of my eighth-grade self in my office. It’s an awkward photo: thick glasses, a backward hat, and the look of someone desperate to be liked but unsure of how to make that happen. I keep it there to remind myself that none of us – and especially middle graders – have it all figured out.
Being the grown-up doesn’t mean having all the answers. It means modeling what it looks like to try, fail, and grow with compassion for ourselves and others. Here’s how:
- Pause Before Reacting: When a middle grader comes to you with a problem, take a breath. Whether they’re upset about a friend, frustrated by a grade, or confessing a mistake, your calm presence sets the tone.
- Embrace Imperfection: Let them see you make mistakes and take responsibility. “I got upset earlier, and I’m sorry. I’ll do better next time,” shows them how to handle missteps.
- Focus on Connection: Middle graders may not seek out connection as openly as they did when they were younger, but they still need it. Pay attention to subtle cues – like when they sit nearby or ask a seemingly random question – and engage without making a big deal.
Middle graders also need to see that self-improvement is a lifelong journey. When they watch us work on ourselves – whether it’s by learning to manage stress, communicating better, or setting healthy boundaries – they learn that growth is part of being human and that they don’t have to have it all figured out.
Trust as the Foundation for Partnership
Parenting and teaching middle graders isn’t something we can – or should – do alone. Building trust between parents and teachers is crucial. When there’s trust, we can work together to support kids through challenges and successes.
Consistent expectations between school and home are key. When parents and teachers align on what’s expected and communicate these standards clearly, students feel safer. They’re better able to meet expectations because the rules don’t shift depending on the environment.
For teachers, keeping parents informed about both challenges and successes – early and often – can foster a sense of partnership. A quick note to parents about progress or even a small win can go a long way.
For parents, approaching teachers as allies and engaging with curiosity rather than defensiveness can build trust. It’s not about finding perfect agreement but mutual respect. By working together, we create a foundation of support that helps middle graders navigate the ups and downs of this developmental stage.
Giving Ourselves (and Each Other) a Break
Yielding to the pressure to be perfect – perfect parent, perfect teacher, perfect role model – is counterproductive. When we try to hold ourselves to impossible standards, we model anxiety and self-criticism for our kids. What they need to see instead is resilience. They need to know that it’s okay to struggle, to fail, to figure things out and to try again.
For parents and teachers alike, self-compassion isn’t just nice – it’s necessary. We can only show up for middle graders when we allow ourselves to be human. That means leaning on each other, sharing the load, and remembering that good enough is often exactly what’s needed.
The Joy of Continued Improvement
Middle graders will push boundaries, make mistakes, and sometimes frustrate us. But they’ll also surprise us with their growth, curiosity, and capacity for self-discovery.
When we embrace the joy of continued improvement – for ourselves and for our middle graders – we create a community where everyone feels supported to grow, learn, and evolve. Middle graders don’t need us to be perfect; they need us to be present, consistent, and willing to grow alongside them.
And when we embody these qualities – Receptive, Calm, and Consistent (RCC) – we provide the kind of stability and trust that middle graders crave. It’s not about always getting it right; it’s about showing up, learning together, and being the steady presence they need. Make RCC your mantra when you feel the frustration rising.
Also see Jody Passanisi’s MiddleWeb article:
“It May Be Developmental and Still Not Appropriate.”
Jody Passanisi is the author of Chaos to Context: A Parent’s Guide Through the Middle Grades (Routledge/Prufrock, 2025). Jody has been working with middle graders for 15 years. She is the director of the upper school at Gideon Hausner Jewish Day School in Palo Alto, California, and teaches social studies methods to teachers at Mt. St. Mary’s University and Hebrew Union College’s DeLeT program.
Jody has written about education for Scientific American, Education Week, and here at MiddleWeb. She is also the author of History Class Revisited: Tools and Projects to Engage Middle School Students in Social Studies (Routledge, 2016). She advises parents about how to support their kids through middle school @chaostocontext on Instagram.
